Burger King Becomes First Fast Food Renationalised by Labour
Under new plans set out by Labour to ‘revitalise British scranning’, fast food conglomerate Burger King has been brought back into public control today.
After frying the ceremonial first Whopper to hungry commuters this morning at Euston Station’s Burger King location, Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer told the press “This is the dawn of a new era for Britain. An era that will see us return to the golden age of a nationalised Britain and the golden age of fried meat.”
“Please, please eat the nationalised burgers! I’m sorry for everything else, can we just have a nice meal?”
Burger King, as it is now known, was founded in 1947 as His Majesty’s Hamburger Establishment as part of radical rationing reforms brought into place after World War 2. Heralded as the greatest success of the post-war Britain, HMHE was privatised under Thatcher’s Conservative government in 1982.
“Would you all forgive me for invalidating transgender people if I get burgers to be a branch of the government?” Keir went on to ask members of the public passing the Euston Station Burger King. “What about if I wear one of the paper crowns while I do it?”
Sentiments toward the move have been varied, while Labour’s detractors are calling it a ham(burger)fisted attempt at regaining public faith, many others seem to think “mmmm yummy burger!”
Labour’s messaging on the issue has been clear and consistent across the party: Try to get someone to like us.
Appearing on some news thing for ITV, Deputy Prime Minister Angela Rayner told Robert Peston “For too long, we have suffered at the hands of private equity. Deprived of quality flame-grilled beef topped with fresh ingredients thanks to exorbitant prices.”
Also appearing on the show’s panel, some newly elected Reform UK Council Leader claimed “Burger King gives kids dyslexia.” Before anyone could address the validity of his statement, the council leader collapsed in upon himself due to an excess of nationalistic outrage.
The ensuing supernova of ignorance, prejudice and misplaced self-loathing caused a two megaton blast in Granada Studios London. With more than 15 people killed and almost 50 injured, the incident is being remarked upon as a catastrophic failure of Labour’s economic policy.
Nigel Farrage has spoken out about the council leader’s death, saying “I didn’t know he was a real person when we put him on the election ballot, but seeing he was a real person and that he’s now a dead person is simply tragic. If this government hadn’t made burgers so readily available under taxpayers’ expense, this could have been avoided.”
As is now tradition in British political reporting, we spoke to an American fake-news mouthpiece about this story via video call. They told us “Mmmm yummy berger, gee I shur wish’eye’da had me a tasty berger b’for’at feller blew up fr’m tokkin’abou’dat berger.”
At press time, as a means of apology to the right wing proletariat, Sir Keir Starmer fired an endangered breed of dolphin at a drag night club.
