Jordan Peterson Announces He Is Rubber, We Are Glue

“And you claim this is a photo of me holding a rubber and some glue, despite it clearly being a collection of pixels organised intricately to display an image of me holding some glue and a rubber!” - Peterson

In an astonishing and lengthy exchange with fifty intellectually superior young adults, pseudoscientific crackpot and twerpy mouthpiece Jordan Peterson has declared he is made of rubber, and all others are made of glue.

Peterson’s debate and descent into lunacy was recorded as part of a new trend of videos where some self-righteous berk tries to argue with a score of people who have opposing views. The video, which has already garnered a wide viewership of all your worst colleagues and former classmates, was posted to Peterson’s YouTube channel with the title ‘I Think The Sky Is Green and Grass is Blue. 50 Little SNOTS Try to Tell Me I’m Wrong’

Appearing in a deeply disheveled state and boasting what can only be described as a ‘wrong accent’, Peterson attempted to debate each of the fifty video participants one by one from a rickety little table in a warehouse as all the others watched.

As Peterson is wont to do, he let his arguments quickly slide from not entirely mental to remarkably desperate and sad within the first four minutes of the two hour video.

“How can you be so sure that the sky is blue, when it’s impossible to define the colour without referring to something else that is blue?” he asked a 19 year old college freshman from Manitoba. 

When the teenager replied “Well, I guess blue is technically defined by the wavelength of the light our eyes pick up, since the wavelength dictates the colour, if I’m not mistaken” Peterson began crying.

“That’s not fair!” Peterson yelled, three and a half minutes into the video “I didn’t know that! You’re not allowed to come here with stuff I don’t know! I can’t write an argument against that ahead of time because I didn’t even know it!!”

“No, I'm serious about this!” He went on, tears streaming down his face “How am I supposed to earn money as a clickbait, reaction farming argument junkie if you kids keep coming here with all these impossible to counteract statements that I didn’t even know about beforehand?!”

As the sentiment of the room drifted into pity for the desperate dork, his young adult adversary didn’t know whether it would be right to continue the argument and returned to his seat in the surrounding circle. “Another fool falls victim to my flawless rhetoric!” Peterson announced with a skyward fist and a short hop from his chair.

Peterson’s spirits deflated again as a 22 year old Sociology graduate from Pennsylvania took the seat in front of him and started their line of discussion.

“Grass is green because we say it is. Even if we’re all seeing something different, if your green looks like my red, it doesn’t matter, because we’ve all defined the colour of grass as green, regardless of what green looks like.”

As tears welled in Peterson’s eyes, he yelled “Nuh-uh!” and looked to the onlookers, seeming to expect an applause.

When his opponent accused Peterson of acting childishly and basically being a creepy manbaby, Peterson began a long tirade.

“You see, that’s where your argument is fundamentally flawed. You have overly relied on metaphor and it’s outlined the overall fallacy of the premise. If I were a ‘manbaby’, as you say, wouldn’t I be crying? Wouldn’t I be yelling out when I don’t get my way? But I clearly, pointedly am not, which is very brave of me, I might add.

In fact, what would be more appropriate to say” he went on “is that I am constituted entirely of some form of isoprene, like Amazonian Rubber, from head to toe. But you, look at you, you’re clearly fabricated from some sort of household adhesive like a Pritt Stick or Elmers Glue. Insofar, it is plain to see that whatever you would happen to say, would be rebounded from the deflective surface of my body and instead be cemented deeply onto yourself. Ipso facto, the real manbaby is you!”

At this point the remaining participants of the video had already departed and Peterson was left alone in the warehouse. Peterson spent the rest of the two hour video promoting his new book ‘A Third Set of 12 Rules For Living Your Life: Bumper Extra Rules Edition’.